(after sex)
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
very niche meme I made
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.