My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
HELP 😭
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.