If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?