It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Catering service
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
inside you are two wolves
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
my astrological sign is a french fry
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]