Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
You Might Also Like
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces