GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.