Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh