My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going