“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.