I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh