[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
The only equipped I am is ill.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Siri, fight Alexa.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything