Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Saturday
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok