Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…