WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*