You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
You Might Also Like
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
The first one, obviously
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My last name is Zilla.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
According to math, I’m broke
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.