You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.