Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real