Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Y’all ready for this
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.