[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.