I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me