[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.