i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
your honor my client chooses dare
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.