Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history