Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit