Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
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Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Seems a bit forward
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond