My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Only a mother’s love …
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Nice try, NASA
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.