I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts