Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER