absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.