It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Terribly Tuesday.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
RT if you could go either way.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
#parenting
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.