okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”