Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Bringing home a sharpie
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
The photographer’s assistant
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.