what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
LA today:
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss