[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
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My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
…u ok Nintendo?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”