A cabbage a day keeps people away.
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Story of my life…..
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors