[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend