[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Just me?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*