Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.