“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My beach vacation Google searches
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.