[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
do u think theres a butter planet?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog