8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting