[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m not wrong
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
True?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers