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Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Okey dokey.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.