My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Bill is short for Billiam
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.