How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
#Caturday
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
the noise i just made
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em