Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.