Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
ok this is my dumbest yet
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Actually cracking up @ this
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?