People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
*looks at you in batman voice*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing