#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.