My ideal weight is five million dollars
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?